Coping with Grief and Loss

Grief is a normal and natural response to the loss of someone or something important to us. There is no wrong or right way to grieve – our process is unique. Keep in mind – grieving doesn’t mean forgetting. It means remembering, while moving forward with our lives. Grief can affect us emotionally, mentally, physically and/or spiritually. Reach out for support if you need it. Here are some tips to help you cope with grief and loss:

Accept all of your feelings, even the feelings you don’t like: Fear, anger, guilt, sadness, despair, heartbreak, and an overwhelming feeling of disorganization are characteristic reactions to a significant loss. Avoiding and pushing down our feelings can lead to our feelings being expressed in unexpected ways.

Be with the pain: You are likely hurting and it’s okay to acknowledge that. Feeling the pain after a loss is a normal part of living and loving. Denying the loss does not lessen the pain, it can prolong the suffering.

Make room for numbness: After a significant loss, you may be numb for a while. Being numb can allow us to accept the loss a little at a time.

Make room for anger: Most people feel angry after a significant loss. Channel it wisely and it will go away as you heal (e.g., walk, run, dance, exercise). If you find yourself more irritable, journal and explore what your anger is about. Anger is also a way for some people to avoid feeling the more vulnerable feeling of sadness.

Take care of yourself: Let yourself get sufficient rest and eat regular meals. Physical exercise along with relaxation can release tension and help improve sleep and concentration. Nurture yourself: Allow yourself small physical pleasures that help you replenish yourself like hot baths, naps, and favorite foods.

Be gentle with yourself: Invite help only from people who you know will be gentle with your feelings and can accept all of your feelings. Hold compassion and forgiveness for yourself during this vulnerable time. Sometimes after loss, we can be hard on ourselves for things we said/did or didn’t say or do.

You are not alone, seek comfort as you need it: Although you might feel alone and grieving is an individual process, you are not alone. Grieving is a sad part of life everyone experiences. Accept support from others, including friends, family, and members of your religious community (if you have one). Let them know what they can do to help. If you have a partner and they are grieving, too, try to understand that they might not be able to comfort you in all of the ways you need. Weekends and Holidays can be very hard, so try to make plans with others.

Get support from other people going through a similar loss: Connect with others who are going (or have gone) through a similar loss. Consider joining a bereavement support group. You can get more out of a bereavement group if you also socialize with members outside of the group. It’s also okay if you need moments alone.

Recognize that suicidal thoughts are a symptom of your pain: Sometimes people feel survivors guilt or that they wish they had died instead of their loved one. Please reach out to the Counseling Center at 646-312-2155 or call NYC’s free 24/7/398 support hotline at 988. If your thoughts of dying persist and you feel they are out of control, SEEK HELP AT ONCE by going to your local emergency room.

Be patient with the process: Healing does not occur in a smooth line or on a timetable. It occurs in phases where you move in and out of different feelings. Remind yourself that you can get through this. Never compare yourself to another grieving person. Each of us has our own timing. Grief can last longer than we expect. It’s fine to heal at your own pace.

Expect relapses: There will always be certain things that trigger grief again. This is normal.

Expect reminders of other losses: New losses can trigger feelings connected with past losses (including grief, sadness, anger). This is normal.

Keep a journal or other creative outlet: Putting your thoughts and feelings on paper either through writing or drawing/painting is a good way to get them out and understand them. If you have nightmares, change the endings if that’s helpful.

Take breaks from grief: Although it is necessary to work through grief, you do not need to constantly focus on it.  It is healthy to find appropriate distractions like going to a movie, dinner, reading a good book, listening to music, and getting a massage or manicure. Give yourself permission to have moments of joy, laughter, or escape.

Prepare for holidays and anniversaries: Decide if you want to continue certain traditions or create new ones. Plan in advance how you want to spend your time and with whom.  Do something symbolic in memory of your loved one.

Some common reactions to grief and loss are:

Emotional

• Shock

• Denial

• Disbelief

• Numbness/Emptiness

• Guilt/Self-blame

• Fear/Panic

• Sadness/Depression

• Disorganization

• Relief

• Powerlessness

• Anger/Rage

• Hopelessness

• Shame

• Feelings of Loss/Loneliness

Psychological

• Difficulty Concentrating

• Explosive Emotions

• Low Self-Esteem

• Lack of Interest

• Prolonged Withdrawal

• Difficulty Experiencing Pleasure

Physical

• Tiredness/Lack of Energy

• Difficulty Sleeping or Prolonged Periods of Sleep

• Nightmares

• Excessive Appetite or Lack of Appetite

• Stomach Pain

• Headaches

• Tightness in Chest/Shortness of Breath

• General Nervousness and Trembling

• Muscle Tension

Spiritual/Religious

• Anger with God or other spiritual being(s)

• Doubts about Belief System

• Questions Regarding Meaning of Life

• Interest in Afterlife

• Changed Priorities

• Search for Meaning in the Event

• Gratitude for Time Spent Together

• Belief that Person is Happier, No Longer Suffering, in a Better Place, et.